The blue sky lights my window while the apartment across the street glows orangy-red from the rising sun still hidden from view. The tall evergreen blocking the sun’s light casts the bare branches of a deciduous tree in dark relief against the brightness. Only the tips are far enough out of the shadow to catch the brightness. A squirrel scurries past along the power lines drawing my eyes toward the movement in the picture, helping me see the swaying of branches from a gentle wind. Birds fly across the scene, the first small birds I have seen in flight this year. I am quiet, my mind still enough to just listen and look at the world around me.
I am in a resting place in a journey of several months. Circumstances and a need to nurture my resilience covered me like a blanket of snow. The signs of my life were stilled to the world around me, held within the quietness of my home like a tree waiting patiently through the months of cold. The snows have melted that had left a frozen wariness in my spirit. The small buds of new leaves peek out as signs of hope that spring has come again.
I wait, my leaves held tight in their husks knowing the supports in my life are helping me discern the weather, helping me listen to the voice within telling me that all is ready for the next step on this journey. Like the climate in this northern region of the world spring comes in fits and starts working its way out of winter’s hold.
Will today be the day I will hear the news that will open up new steps for me? It is a waiting that tests my patience but also calls me back to the humility of knowing that unlike the tree I had ignored the signs of the changing season trying to hold on to the summer even as autumn shouted its cues. I had ignored my inner voice letting circumstances reach a point of danger to the essence of growth in me. These others had seen it first and prepared the coverings I would need to protect me as I weathered the storms of doubt and fear. I need to listen.
Within the stillness of waiting new growth begins. Art lets my spirit speak what right now I can’t live out as fully in the world around me. I am discovering a quietness, a sanctuary from the old need to control my life through distancing and an unrealistic need for perfectionism in trying to meet the expectations of others. I am learning to display these signs of life – my art pieces- while knowing that there may still be one more step or even a full repurposing before they become settled into what they are to be.
I don’t know where this journey will lead me. That it will be much different from what had been the routines of existing for so long is a given. That I will need to redefine how I would describe myself is a known reality. Much of what I had gained my sense of self from will be altered by the forces I had tried so hard not to see.
But I will grow. I will step back and look again at the art of my life with the knowledge that change is often a sign of growth, a new seeing that expands my perceptions of the world around me. My inner eye gains new appreciation for the richness of the colours, textures, shapes and lines that make life the beautiful evolving reality of being.
I will look, and look again, enjoying what is while becoming more open to acknowledging when growth asks me to take that one more step toward becoming all I was meant to be. Accepting change is a journey of discovery. I step out with hope for what is and what will be.