Sometimes you do

P1070652I woke today in anxiety. There was no big reason for it. It was almost a surprise in its physical manifestation of sensations in me but it was there. I had to begin my day of mindfulness by accepting that reality and choosing to do what I needed to do to fulfill my commitments that could not be changed.

P1070678Unexpectedly, a note from a writing friend,  “Good morning. Just wanted to wish you a very good day.” In light of what concerns I had for the day ahead, it was like cool water on a fevered brow in it’s comfort.  I looked with more anticipation toward the day ahead and it went fine.

Nonetheless, the anxiety kept growing and part way through the day I had to acknowledge its effects on my concentration and take a second anti-anxiety pill. They did their job along with my quieting thoughts through acceptance of them.

P1070682bIt is a balance. I am sure the anxiety could teach me something I need to be aware of but mindfulness also allows us to look at the priorities when we notice thoughts of what we need to do. Attending my meeting today mattered in the grand scheme of things and I have no regrets in choosing to go even if it took anxiety pills to get there and get through it.

There was and is something I need to listen to though in whatever it is inside which raised this anxiety. At my counseling session tonight, though I didn’t feel overly sad, I could not stop crying. Trying to figure it out or stop it just increased the tears and anxiousness even though my outer self could not understand the reason for them. Oh, I could feel the answer tugging on the edges of my mind but my mind was not ready for even mindfully listening.

P1070679Maybe, encouraged my counselour, you can allow it to come out in its own time. Just accept that this is what you are feeling and be at peace with not knowing the whys right now. Sometimes you become anxious. Sometimes you cry. Sometimes you understand the whys and sometimes you don’t.

There is only one more day in my Mindful May writing. I think my mindful gift today is living with the questions, letting them sit lightly in the heart. As my favourite quote from Rainer Maria Rilke says,

P1070695“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will gradually then , without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

 

*All pictures were taken on a walk right before the appointment. I find it interesting that I was focused on the greenery with the spaces for human living hidden behind them. It seems a good analogy for the idea of questions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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