Groan! How do I find the gift for today? I woke up feeling so strong, ready to deal with the things I knew the day would hold. Then a small thing — not finding my keys — dismantled me showing me how thin my veneer of strength was. It has been a while since I had a full blown anxiety attack and I was not impressed with having one for such a small reason. It was hard to remind myself that when something like that happens for a small reason, there is usually something else behind it.
Facing the reality and making the calls I needed, I settled in to do what I could until my mind opened up enough that I could solve the problem. It took some time but I found the keys and was able to get back some of the control that feels so lost when anxiety hits.
I am seeing someone to help me develop more strategies and awareness of signals to help me deal with triggers that set off anxiety. Time and support have helped me grow much stronger in coping with and coming out of anxiety and depression. It gives me hope for coming to an end of these episodes.
Thought the first two days after my last appointment had been difficult, the next 5 days I had been able to do the things I needed to do without the anxiety that affects me in small ways. Those five days shows me that I am on the right track. Mindfully being present in what is, I am also being able to be mindfully present for the relationships and events that make up each day.
Today, when I felt what was happening inside, I knew enough to call and let the person know who needed to deal with some things today. I was able to get some positive support to pull myself together without being embarrassed or chastised for what I didn’t seem to be able to deal with in those moments. I was given time to do what I needed to do to be more centered inside again.
When I did what I knew — sorting more of what I had scattered around to pack as a means of looking with purpose for my keys I was able to slow my mind and clear it of the blocks. I was able to focus myself one step at a time into what I needed to do to bring down the anxiety to a manageable level. What I found behind the anxiety was grief still being worked through.
It takes time to unwind the cords tying us to the past especially when you are not fully aware of what the cords are that are causing specific reactions inside you. It takes time to read and learn and practice new ways of being that slowly dissipate the strong reactions, opening the closed-in rapids to the calmer flow of thoughts and feelings.
When I take a look behind me and see where I am now, time has been a gift in me bringing healing. Those who are entering my life with an understanding of time’s part in healing have also been gifts to my life.
My mindful gift for today is time.