Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
From “Please hear what i’m not saying”
by Charles C. Finn
When dreams carry similarities in mood and content, I know there is something inside that wants me to listen. The feelings live in tight enclosures like thought bubbles in my head. I am not ready to let them out so I know there will be more dreaming until I find what it holding them back. For those, like me, who were taught that expressing feelings is harmful, it takes time. Thankfully, learning to live mindfully, I can accept each moment and all that is in it. I don’t have to sensor or solve what isn’t ready yet.
“Healing this deeply takes time,” affirmed one who has helped me through this journey of pulling back the layers that held me bound in depression and slowly accepting the gifts of strength within. Maybe I am one of the lucky ones. My emotional crashes happened big enough that there was no way to mask their occurrences.
I had tried masking. I am big on the 4-year-olds litany of “I can do it myself”. I had learned from masters of tucking it all inside in the guise of letting it go. All the messages we are taught that lead to wearing faces to hide not only from the outside world but from ourselves had been carefully tutored by masters of the art of forceful persuasion.
It was a major ending in my life that left me at a place of needing to rebuild the framework of the world I lived in. The next years would be years of mental and emotional therapy as I learned to used soul muscles that had atrophied in my life. The difference from the past was my openness to continuing with supports when and where they were needed to move forward into a more whole way of living.
After several years with only a couple of short stint in counseling support I returned to seeking help for a time. This time, it was not like the others. This time, it was more of a sensory overload not unlike a person who has been blind suddenly seeing the world or a person who was deaf hearing a voice for the first time. A new layer of protection was stripping away and I was beginning to feel something stirring. No, more than that. I was beginning to feel.
There is still at least one more layer being peeled away. The images in my dreams hold strong emotions as they unmask what still needs healing. I am afraid of this layer, but then, I have been afraid of all the ones before.
Each time a series of dreams has revealed what I needed to release and embrace of to find a greater freedom in living. As I face these new dreams I have that legacy from the past to support me. I am growing out of this skin of isolation from real living.
I will listen to my dreams. They will show me the way to go.
The full poem by Charles C. Finn is quoted in the post “M – The Masks We Wear”