I Choose

The Project
30 September, 1993

I tried to make it.
I didn’t understand the directions
But you thought I knew

Now you tell me I made it wrong—
That I didn’t want to
Because you asked me to

Don’t you know
I want to please you?
But I can’t see
What is in your mind

Tell me!
Help me know!

But don’t ask for me—
Ask for what you want of me.
I don’t fit your plan.

“You can do anything you want to do” was the encouragement I got from my mom throughout my life. What a powerful image of support to a child! With one catch. If it didn’t come out the way she thought it should look, I obviously “didn’t want to do it” because she had asked me to. I soon learned the unfinished part of that affirmation. You can do anything you want to do as long as you do it the way I want it done.

Life became a guessing game with isolating and painful consequences for guessing wrong. I learned early that is was “my fault” if something didn’t work out. I hadn’t tried hard enough. I was being stubborn. I just didn’t care. I was obstinate, or the one said to me only two years ago, I was “always a sassy brat.”

I learned to choose relationships based on what I thought was affirmation. Somehow my unconscious mind seemed to key into people who had fixed demands that seemed to be clear cut but usually weren’t. I stumbled along having success in some places and failures in others then moving on with my family where failure to fit in was the norm.

I say I am addicted to running because it is true, I do run. But much of my running has been from me. When I have moved from something I couldn’t cope with, I have usually locked it away, like my drawing, and only opened it up when some writing topic allowed me to look at it and ask myself why I stopped drawing.

What I didn’t ask myself was why I kept going to a class where the teacher’s style created such a dicotomy between what I could see and what he was calling good drawing. Why did I keep going when the criticisms were more about not meeting his ideals instead of not being able to do the skills? Why did I stay until I reached a point of running from me?

IMG_2415Two years ago when I chose to show my parents my painting skill, I hardly completed the background when my mother began to tell me what the painting had to be. Okay, it was for my mom and dad, so I began to paint in what she wanted.

My flexible mind began to warm to the change, seeing how I could create something beautiful that honored my mother’s wishes.

“Stop!” my parents chimed together. “Don’t add anything more or you will ruin it.” I looked at my picture. I looked inward at what I knew it could be, and with a sigh I remembered the rule: “You can do anything you want to do as long as you do it the way I want it done.” I let the painting go, defensively painted a second with a firm but rigid idea that they couldn’t change.

The third ended up broken in the garbage when my mother started her demands again. I couldn’t do it. The artist in me was not willing to bend her vision to the will of the one I had bowed to in fear for so much of my life.

Today I made a new choice. Today, I turned to the siren’s voice in me that sweetly lurred me into staying in a negative situation. Today I turned down the volume of that voice and made a new choice. Today I quit my guitar lessons, not because I am running from me but because I allowed myself to accept the chasm between his style of teaching and the descrepancies in his comments and what I had come to learn.

still singing 3I chose to accept that my goals had validity and that one teacher did not have the total say as to whether or not I could accomplish my goal. I honoured my truth even when he denied the disparaging words he said. I chose to step away from a harmful situation, give myself time to regroup, and believe that I can find a teacher who is in tune with the type of music that I am seeking to learn. I took the risk of believing in myself.

Today, I made the choice to quit my guitar lessons while I still had the desire and the drive to play. I did it with as much grace as I could but I chose to stop running from my dreams into the expectations of others.

I have the great book of Celtic tunes to dig into when I get home. My fingers are itching to play for the first time in weeks.

 

 

 

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18 thoughts on “I Choose

  1. Denise Jackson

    Good for you! I have walked away from piano lessons when I wasn’t receiving the instruction I had requested. My skiing lessons each got progressively better because I learned to ask for what I needed.

    Reply
    1. ljandrie57 Post author

      The greatest thing today was coming home and wanting to pick up my guitar the minute I walked in the door. I took one of the songs he had said I wasn’t good enough to play, and I played it. My brain is connecting with my fingers again.

      Reply
  2. Laura Hile

    Words are powerful. Do I have hidden messages and expectations that wound and crush? You have taught me to examine what I say in a new light, Linda. Thank you.

    Reply
    1. ljandrie57 Post author

      I will find the link to a song I once wrote and put on here for friends. It is with the piano, but at least you would hear me sing. I love music and am glad that my career let’s me make music with children every school day.

      Reply
      1. ljandrie57 Post author

        It says your video is marked Private so I can’t view it. I will email you my youtube link that is active so you can add me if you want to.

      2. ljandrie57 Post author

        Thank you. I got to hear your delightful songs. I also found a site where I could see a translation of the Moon Song. It is so beautiful. Your voice was a joy to listen to. You sing with emotion.

      3. candytaipei

        thank you Linda, so glad you like my singing, i sing a lot when your, and still singing now. though the voice not as beautiful as younger me, but i am sure now my voice are full of the feeling for life for the world and for the future~

      4. ljandrie57 Post author

        To me it is the emotions and joy in singing that I enjoy hearing. It is so sad how much we have taught people that singing is only for people who can sing on a stage. It is like my art. I may never be a famous painter, but \I love to paint.

    1. ljandrie57 Post author

      Mike, I have written down goals then let them go. Right now, I am just coming to a place in me that is allowing me to dream. Up until now, I have always let go of dreams when someone told me I didn’t measure up. Really dreaming is one of the product coming out of accepting this writing challenge in January.

      Reply

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